Thursday, September 15, 2011
All the Little Things
I remember going to Elephant Bar with my mom. The waitress laughing at my mom's explanation for her food order. I remember driving with my mom in our new convertible, top down, the wind rushing past us, making our speed seem faster than it really was. Our car zipping down the freeway, our laughs escaping us. I remember eating dinner with my family surrounding me. All of us repeating lines from our favorite movies, our laughter filling up the room. I remember coloring in pre-made pictures in the fireman coloring book, with my four-year-old brother, Adam. His smile showing what he felt inside. I remember dress shopping with my mom, I tried on ten different dresses, and she said I looked beautiful in every one. She took so many pictures, that I thought my face would shatter from my constant smiling. She told me she was happy to do this, since I'm her only daughter. The smile on her face was infectious, when she saw me emerge from the dressing room, wearing the perfect dress. I remember sitting in my mom's car parked in our driveway, talking to her about anything and everything that came to mind. Her soothing voice giving me great advice, followed by her comforting hug. These are all the little things that I love.
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I really loved this piece, your details were spectacular and it really made me be able to relate. What you could do to make it better would be to add more, making this longer would make it even more amazing than it already is.
ReplyDeleteRandom: your title made my brain voice break out into "All The Small Things" by Blink182.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of specificity in the first sentence with telling us it was at the Elephant Bar. I liked the second sentence where you used the detail about the waitress laughing and used that to introduce your mom ordering, instead of just telling us your mom ordered something. You could still be more specific; maybe tell us what she ordered.
When you're describing the drive home with your mom, you mention the wind making you seem faster than you were. That's really good, but add more to that. Describe the way the scenery blurred past or something.
And when you're describing coloring pictures with your brother, elaborate more on that. It doesn't just have to be a few sentences. Were you coloring with markers or crayons? Crayola or Roseart?
Toward the end you"re talking about your mom's soothing voice and comforting hug. Show us that. Don't tell us. "Comforting" is a very vague adjective.
These are pretty unique memories. You can totally make them more vibrant, all you have to do is work on showing and not telling.
I loved the strong verbs you used such as "zipping" and "escaping" they really made your sentences sparkle. To improve I would say to try describe your feelings more, like happiness, what does it look like? But still, a very beautiful piece.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the way you said " I thought my face would shatter from smiling so much". It really made me paint a picture of your face shattering. A "cold" comment would be to explain some of your verbs. Like " the waitress was laughing" how was she laughing? Hysterically?
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